I’ve been absent for almost a year. Life went on, but I feel as though I was just wandering through and not paying as much attention as I should. It’s coming up on what would have been my mom’s 76th birthday this week, and almost the one year anniversary of her death. I look back and see all the wonder that she bestowed in my life, the skills and abilities to survive. And thrive, if I put in the effort.
It’s been hard. The stress of it all exacerbating my Fibromyalgia causing me additional aches and pains. And in the midst of it I realized that the pain meds, the short acting opiates, that had been helping me in the past had ceased to be affective. In this western world of medicine I live in I knew it would be tough to get my team of doctor’s on board with my desire to stop taking them and so I circumvented them altogether. Tapering myself off little by little like I knew they would have me do if I had included them in my decision. It took 10 weeks, with bouts of nausea and light headedness throughout but when I came out the other side I felt clear-headed for the first time in years. Some of the forgetfulness that I’d always attributed to my Fibro lifted and I was able to focus on my life, on what I wanted.
The first thing I had to do was to begin learning all over again how to pace myself. Accept that I can’t go full throttle all the time, heck even most of the time, but I could move forward if I paced myself. Little by little my house is becoming the home I’ve dreamed of. My involvement in Joey’s world has tripled, now not only volunteering at the school, but with Cub Scouts, and Daisies for my niece to be a part of the girl power movement, and baseball. This year I stepped back, we stepped back, and instead of coaching and managing we are simply parents rooting our son in a pastime that’s overflowing with fun.
I still find myself plagued by pain on a daily basis but it’s no better or worse without the pain meds. The only real difference is that I feel as though I’m taking my life back and making it into what I want it to be. In total, family. It’s what’s most important, the one thing that brings me constant joy and that is not something I just want to coast through. I want to be devoured by it, immersed in all it’s juicy details. So far I’m being pretty successful in that pursuit and it suits me to perfection. I’m back to dating my husband again and going on random adventures with Joey and in doing so, life goes on.