I’m having one of those days where it feels as if I’m having an out of body experience. My head is fuzzy and therefore my thoughts and words are coming out jumbled. My libs feel heavy and numb as if they can barely support my weight let alone anything else. It’s a pretty scary feeling especially when I have so much on my agenda today – taking Joey to school, racing to a doctor’s appointment across town, back to pick up Joey, then to the feed store for chicken scratch, back home in time to take my mom to get her labs done to check her blood consistency since she’s on a blood thinner. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it all and in fact am questioning if I should even be behind the wheel of my truck. I hate days like this, they are even worse than when I’m experiencing a pain flare-up with my Fibromyalgia. At least with a flare-up I know what to do to calm my body and help it heal over time and perhaps shorten the duration of the flare-up. With this, today, I am unsure of how to take care of myself and what actions I should take.
The doctor’s appointment I have is to get into a pain management series that serves to help people like me to get the most out of life. This is something I really need so I don’t want to cancel and have to reschedule the appointment because then they might think I won’t put the effort in to the program they have set up. God this is a frustrating situation. I just feel as though I’m floating free, an observer instead of a participant in life. Have you felt that way?
This has happened to me already a couple of times in the past and now today. I am hoping, even praying, that this will not become a part of what is a normal existence for me. I already feel as though I’ve been robbed of what I had considered normal and even now, 11 years into it I’m still having difficulty excepting what is to be my new normal. How can they expect me to just go with it, to forget the long hikes I used to take in the woods, the camping out with friends on the spur of the moment with just a tent, cook stove, and sleeping bags, the ability to sleep peacefully for the whole night – how can they ask that of me? How can I ask that of myself. I know not letting go of what I used to be able to do is holding me back and probably contributing to the anxiety, stress and pain I feel but I don’t know how to get past it.
I don’t know how to stop feeling like I’m floating free, not in control of my body. If I’m going to float somewhere why can’t it be in a hot air balloon with my sweetheart enjoying the sensation of flying and taking in the beautiful landscape below. Perhaps I should of titled this piece “Why” since it’s come up so much in my writing. All I can say is I hope the day improves and that I begin to feel grounded again.